Sexual Jealousy and How to Navigate It
Threesomes and group sex are supposed to be fun, but sexual jealousy is real. In this guide, you’ll learn how to communicate, manage jealousy, and stay connected with your partner in the heat of the moment.
Sexual jealousy is common, no matter how solid your relationship is. Whether you’re well-seasoned in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or just starting to explore sex with people other than your partner, sexual jealousy can come up at any point. Threesomes, orgies, and other group sex experiences are supposed to be fun, but sometimes excitement before the event can turn into jealousy once you’re in the moment. Don’t be ashamed if jealousy comes up in a group sex setting, even when you thought you were prepared—it’s normal. If you’re wondering how to have a threesome that feels good for everyone involved, talking about boundaries and expectations beforehand is just as important as figuring out what you want to do together. Let’s take a look at where sexual jealousy comes from, how to deal with it when it arises, and why it’s not uncommon to get jealous when your partner has sex with someone else.
What Is Sexual Jealousy?
Sexual jealousy is an emotional response that can arise when you perceive a threat to a valued relationship. Some evolutionary psychologists argue that jealousy developed, in part, as a response to threats to romantic relationships. But biology is only a piece of the story. The relationship structures you’re exposed to, the messages you receive about sex and monogamy, and your own past experiences can all influence how you interpret and respond to sexual jealousy.
So while your sexual excitement towards forms of ethical non-monogamy may exist, you may have some psychological barriers to overcome when it comes to you and your partner actually exploring sex outside your relationship.
Why Do We Feel Sexual Jealousy?
Why you experience sexual jealousy is personal and can be shaped by your life experiences, attachment history, relationship agreements, and the situation you're in. But some common themes tend to come up. One recent study examining jealousy among women in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships found that participants described jealousy as both an emotional and embodied experience, with physical sensations playing a significant role in how they experienced it.
So what might be happening underneath your jealousy? Here are some of the most common reasons sexual jealousy can show up.
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Common Reasons People Feel Sexual Jealousy
Fear of Being Replaced
Your partner’s sexual interest in someone else can trigger fears about your own desirability or importance in the relationship.
Comparison and Insecurity
Most people can probably think of a time when they’ve compared their body to someone else’s. For this reason, it’s not surprising that those same feelings might come up when you’re often at your most vulnerable.
Feeling Left Out
An odd number of people can always create an imbalance, this even happens in friend groups. It’s not uncommon for more attention to be directed on the unicorn that joins a couple. Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment shows a few good examples of what this looks like IRL—like when couple Maddy and Nathan tried having a threesome to open their relationship and Nathan left feeling like the odd one out.
In a study of 28 people who had participated in mixed-sex threesomes, researchers found that people in relationships commonly experienced feelings of exclusion, while open communication and negotiated rules could help mitigate some of the negative effects.
Loss of Control
Even when you’ve agreed to something beforehand, seeing it happen can feel very different from imagining it. A fantasy can feel completely different once it becomes real, and an agreement made when you're calm doesn't obligate you to continue once your feelings change.
How to Deal With Sexual Jealousy
Name the Feeling
If you sense sexual jealousy arising, I invite you to pause and tune into what’s happening in your body. What does jealousy feel like for you? Can you identify the physical sensations that come with it? Maybe it feels like a tightening in your chest, or a sinking feeling in your stomach, or even a sudden rush of heat.
Identify What’s Underneath It
Are any of the previous themes above present? Can you bring some awareness to your past experiences that may be impacting your current experience? By identifying what’s happening to you, it can make the feeling less daunting and support you in grounding yourself back into the experience.
Separate Feelings From Facts
While your past experiences and the way they’re shaping you in this current moment are completely valid, remember why you’re here. If you and your partner have had good conversations on why you want to have sex with other people, as well as your boundaries around it, try to remind yourself of those conversations to provide yourself with some emotional reassurance during the act.
Communicate Without Assigning Blame
Sometimes, people experience jealousy similar to anger which can lead to thinking your partner is to blame, even if they objectively aren’t in the wrong. Discernment is tough when you’re emotionally activated. Or maybe you’re fixated on the other person and become consumed by your own insecurities. This isn’t to say that agreements don’t get broken in these situations, they do, but that’s often not always the reason sexual jealousy occurs. However, being able to pin your jealousy on someone else is often the easiest (but not necessarily healthiest) way to assuage the dissonance you’re experiencing. If your partner is in the wrong, then yes, you have a reason to be mad.
If you’re feeling jealousy in a threesome, some ways to communicate with your partner during the act might look like:
- “I’m feeling left out right now. Can we slow down for a moment?”
- “I’m feeling insecure watching you two together. I know I agreed this was okay, but can we take a pause?”
- “Some things are coming up for me that I didn’t expect would. Can we pause so I can figure out what I’m feeling?”
Know When to Pause
One of the number one indicators of knowing when to pause in a sexual situation is when your mind has left the present moment. If you find your mind wandering, take a beat. Remember, just because group sex sounded fun before, doesn’t mean it’s going to feel fun. Sexual consent can be withdrawn at any point in time.
Even if someone gets triggered, there is a way in which you can salvage the situation. Being supportive when other people experience hard emotions makes it easier to also receive support when it’s your turn. It’s okay to advocate for your needs, to ask for a hug or a regroup, to adjust the pace of the night, or to do something else entirely.
Reconnect Afterward
Ending on a good note, even if that means not having sex that night, makes it more probable that you can play again together in the future when you’re ready. Often, the best way to remedy sexual jealousy in a threesome or other group sex situation is to be able to show each other vulnerability and not be ashamed or reactive.
Learning to better manage jealousy happens through these tough moments and it’s helpful to provide each other care through those experiences. Even if you don’t get triggered and you have a hot and delicious orgy without a hitch, it’s a good idea to do some aftercare.
Aftercare can look like:
- Emotional check in: Ask your partner how they’re feeling and see if there’s anything they need that you can support them with.
- Offering reassurance: Whether sexual jealousy clearly came up or not, it’s nice to always remind each other of the love and care you feel for one another.
- Physical closeness or offering space: Everyone is different. Ask your partner if they’d like some physical closeness or if they’d prefer to take some solo space to reconnect with themselves.
- Follow up later: When you’re both ready, it can be useful to reflect and name what went well and what didn’t to help any future sexual exploration outside of your relationship.
Sexual Jealousy Doesn’t Have to Ruin the Fun
Sexual jealousy doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready for a threesome, an open relationship, or other forms of ENM. It also doesn't mean you've failed at being “good” at non-monogamy.
Instead of trying to get rid of jealousy, focus on getting curious about it. What is it asking for? Reassurance? More connection with your partner? A boundary change? A pause? Or maybe just some time to let your body catch up with an experience that felt very different in reality than it did in your imagination?
You don't have to push through jealousy to prove that you're ready for group sex. You can pause, change your mind, reconnect, and try again another time. Learning how to deal with sexual jealousy isn’t so much about never feeling it, but instead it’s about learning how to respond to it.
Note: Article supported by Sam From Shrimp Teeth.
