Group Sex Jealousy and How to Navigate It
Threesomes, group sex, and play parties are supposed to be fun! It's normal for relationship jealousy to arise. Let’s look at how to survive jealousy during group sex.
Jealousy in a relationship
Threesomes, group sex, and play parties are supposed to be fun! We’re having an orgy because we want to have sex with multiple people. But sometimes our excitement at the sex club turns into jealousy. Don’t be ashamed if you’re jealous; we’ve all been there. We will look at how to survive relationship jealousy during group sex. And why it’s not uncommon to get jealous when our partner has sex with someone else.
Picture this:
You and your partner have been talking about going to a sex club for a long time, neither of you have much experience in your local scene, but you’re open-minded, sex-positive people. You’ve been discussing non-monogamy for a while, and this seems like the best way to put that into practice. You both agree that it feels safest to explore ENM together, and this seems like the next logical step.
After researching, you’re having a harder time narrowing down your options than you anticipated. Your city has a few popular sex clubs, the feminist dungeon that offers private rentals and sessions with dominatrixes, the queer club that has themed events like “Wizard and Witches Orgies”, or the upscale swingers club with 20 beds that requires a membership. You would like to go to a Meet & Greet at the queer-friendly club, but your straight partner doesn’t feel comfortable attending that event. Something about the vibe at the upscale club doesn’t seem quite right, but the dungeon seems too hard-core. You’re both unsure how to proceed. Luckily, one of your friends mentioned that their two partners are hosting a private play party. Your friend is happy to vouch for you and your partner, so you agree. You’re thrilled but a bit nervous. You’ve never hung out with your friend in a flirty or naked context but she invited you so you try not to overthink the situation. You’re not sure what to expect. When you ask some follow-up questions, your friend informs you that it’s a very welcoming group of people and that they have hosted similar events many times before. She reassures you that you can come and interact with only your partner if it feels too overwhelming at first, but you reaffirm that this is your idea and you want to hook up with someone new!
When the day comes, you’re relieved that the host establishes ground rules with all the guests. Unlike what you were expecting, people are mostly chatting casually and having some snacks. You ease into the experience. You feel quite flattered when a handsome guy starts chatting you up. The conversation gets flirty, and you catch your partner’s eye, who gives you a reassuring smile. He’s off having a chat with someone you vaguely recognize. Everything changes, though, when a bit later.
The handsome man leaves to use the restroom. You’re hoping that it might lead to more later but you’re not quite sure how to initiate. You want to check in with your partner, but he’s still talking to the same woman. You feel a little annoyed that he doesn’t notice that you’re standing alone. At the right moment, your friend comes over to check on you. You want to ask her what you should do next, but out of the corner of your eye, you happen to see your partner kiss the woman.
Suddenly, you can’t focus on what they’re saying. You know you shouldn’t be staring at your partner, but everything else seems to recede into the background as you watch him exchange a steamy kiss with this familiar-looking stranger. And it’s not just a peck. Your heart pounds, you feel the blood rushing to your cheeks, and your ears turn hot and red. Your fingertips start to tingle as your palms get clammy. You feel hot tears starting to well up in your eyes. You try to blink them back into your eyes, but you feel them close to spilling out. Your friend snaps you back by placing a hand on your shoulder, “Hey, are you okay?” She asks. Shit, of course, she can tell that you’re struggling. You feel stupid and out of place. You feel like everyone is staring at you. She was right, you shouldn’t be here, you’re not cut out for poly. You have a hard time finding words, and you try to swallow the huge lump in your throat.
The shitty thing about having this type of jealousy episode is that it isn’t logical. Many of us (especially the polyamorous) have struggled at one time or another with the dissonance of wanting to be in a certain situation but feeling completely emotionally flooded when it happens. It’s infuriating because you chose to have this experience since it seemed fun and exciting. It’s not like anyone forced you to go to a sex club (or whatever your version is!). You thought you would have a good time. But your emotions suddenly cease to align with your expectations. You get triggered seemingly out of nowhere. It can be shameful, especially when these situations are witnessed by others. It’s hard to explain what’s happening. You’re not mad that your partner is kissing someone else, but you are.
Being non-monogamous often puts us in emotionally challenging situations. It’s normal to have some insecurities or sensitivities that can be triggered when your partner does certain things with others. Even if you’re enthusiastically choosing this lifestyle, it doesn’t mean that it’s always easy. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s the things that we think we want the most that stir up the biggest emotions. I remember personally having a pretty large meltdown when my ex told me he had slept with his new partner for the first time, even though our relationship was platonic at that point, and I was logically happy for him. It happens to all of us. Often, it doesn’t make a ton of sense.
Overcoming the Shame of Jealousy
The shame we associate with jealousy can make these experiences particularly tough to navigate, especially when we’re in a group setting. Threesomes, swinging, and group sex, are all situations in which we are expected to be enthusiastically participating in. It can feel embarrassing to be the only one who suddenly isn’t having fun anymore when everyone else seems to be. In many instances, you may not know the people you’re having sex with very well, which can add another layer of awkwardness. How are they going to react? Will they judge you? Plus, in many cases, it feels difficult to explain exactly what theproblem is. So even if we’re able to take a moment to gather ourselves, it’s not always easy to disclose what’s happening to everyone else. This brings us to the second issue…
Understanding Jealousy in Group Sex
In the scenario we illustrated, as with many group sex situations, our partner isn’t doing anything wrong. Quite the contrary, he’s enjoying himself while upholding the agreements you two presumably made ahead of time. But it doesn’t prevent you from being pissed off in the moment or from trying to find an issue with their behavior. Sometimes, we experience jealousy similar to anger, which can lead us to think our partner is to blame, even if they objectively aren’t in the wrong. Discernment is tough when we’re emotionally activated. Or maybe we fixate on the other person and get consumed by our own insecurities. This isn’t to say that agreements don’t get broken in these situations; they do, but that’s often not always the reason we feel jealous. However, being able to pin our jealousy on someone else is often the easiest (but not necessarily healthiest) way to assuage the dissonance we’re experiencing. If our partner is in the wrong, then we have a reason to be mad.
How to Navigate Emotional Triggers
It’s important to realize that we are allowed to be jealous for no good reason. Jealousy is a neutral emotion; in the sense that you’re not a failure or a bad person for experiencing it. Being jealous also doesn’t mean that you can’t have hot threesomes or orgies. Sometimes we get jealous for no other reason than because emotions are transient states we experience. It’s okay to need to take a break. It’s okay if you don’t react to a situation the way you expected. But I guarantee that trying to pin your emotions on other people (especially when they aren’t in the wrong) isn’t a long-term solution. Even if it provides temporary relief for your partner to take the blame, over the long run, it will deteriorate trust rather than teach you how to move through these issues with less friction. Instead of accusing your partner of not loving you or of breaking agreements, try removing the need to justify your jealousy. It’s okay for it to be a bit unhinged or provoked by something that isn’t that big of a deal. You’re allowed to feel angry or sad because your partner is kissing someone else, even if you logically know it’s okay.
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How to Own Your Feelings of Jealousy
When we don’t make our jealousy other people’s problem, it ceases to hold destructive power over us. One of the reasons why we might be scared to get jealous or feel ashamed of our jealousy is that it can spur some pretty dramatic behavior. Everyone has at some point been consumed with emotions and behaved in ways they later regretted. It happens. But this is what we can learn to better avoid. While the emotion of jealousy itself won’t go away, how you respond to it is easier to control. Having strong boundaries (using “I will...” statements) helps us behave in ways that are more aligned with our values. For example, if you hold a boundary that you will not yell at your partner and call him names, situations where you’re triggered become less volatile. Jealousy turns into a problem when we don’t have good boundaries for ourselves, and we spin out, get enraged, and say shitty things to our partners. You don’t need to do that; it doesn’t serve anyone. If you’re having group sex for the first time, the best you can do is hold a boundary that you will step aside if you get too flooded, but you won’t accuse your partner or the other people of unfounded wrongdoing. You can also make a bail-out plan if the situation turns sour; it’s okay to leave or hang out instead if sex doesn’t feel good in the moment. If you’re having some uncertainty, other people might too. It’s okay to voice how you’re feeling without forcing other people to be responsible.
Last but Not Least…. Aftercare
Even if someone gets triggered, there is a way in which you can salvage the situation. Being supportive when other people experience hard emotions makes it easier to also receive support when it’s our turn. Most people in the ENM/swinging community have experienced jealousy before, too; you’re in good company. It’s okay to advocate for your needs, to ask for a hug or a regroup, to adjust the pace of the night, or to do something else entirely. Ending on a good note, even if that means not having sex that night, makes it more probable that you can play again together in the future when you’re ready. Often, the best way for us to remedy our jealousy is to be able to show each other our vulnerability and not be ashamed or reactive. Learning to better manage jealousy happens through these tough moments, and it’s helpful to provide each other care through those experiences. Even if you don’t get triggered and you have a hot and delicious orgy without a hitch, it’s a good idea to do some aftercare. I hope that will be the case, and that you won’t need this article after all, but no worries if you do. We’ve all been there.
