'How We Bondage' with Kink Couple Poppy & Neen

The first time that someone tied me up it’s as though my brain chemistry was altered forever. There’s something about relinquishing control (or taking it with enthusiastic consent) that’s just so freaking hot. Bondage is an activity that I find myself returning to time and time again, and each experience is unique—every partner and play session brings a different energy and the possibilities are immense. If you’re curious about how to do bondage sex and what it is, you’re in the right place.

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So, What Is Bondage?

Bondage is the B in BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism). It’s the act of restraining your partner or being restrained, and it can be enjoyed erotically by people of all skill levels. From the beautifully intricate art of Japanese rope bondage, also known as Kinbaku (which means tight binding) or Shibari to grabbing the cable of your dressing gown and binding your partner’s hands to the bed.

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The beautiful thing about bondage is that it can be interpreted in so many different ways. Those looking in at it from the outside might assume it’s all pain, discomfort, and suffering (and sometimes it is!) but it can also be sensual and slow, an exercise in truly surrendering to pleasure.

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The benefits of bondage

Besides the obvious reason (which is that it’s super hot) there are other benefits to playing with bondage.

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It’s a direct invitation to receive

Being tied up is an opportunity to relinquish control of any perceived pressure of reciprocation. I know for a lot of us, conscious receiving can be a tricky thing to navigate—we grew up reading women's magazines that taught us about ‘how to give the best blowjob’ or ’10 tips to give them a mind-blowing orgasm’ but there was no guidebook for receiving. Then there’s the influence of old-school porn that depicts inauthentic and over-dramatic displays of pleasure (thank you, Lustery, for being the antidote to that and showing a diverse range of real pleasure responses). Many of us have had to learn how to let go and receive. Bondage is a permission slip for the receiver (often referred to as either the bottom or the submissive, depending on the power dynamic that’s at play) into the bliss of unapologetic receiving—it’s your partner saying ‘go on, lay back, and let me give you my undivided attention’.

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It’s a Way to Take Control

For the person who is putting their partner into bondage (often referred to as the top or the dominant), it’s an opportunity to take pleasure in their partner’s body. The top gets to put their partner into a devilishly compromising position, to see their lover spread open or bent over with no recourse for escape (except of course, with their safe word—more on that shortly).

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Deeper Connection

Playing with any kind of kink can be a means for a deeper connection with your partner. Through exploring power dynamics, we can uncover parts of our desires we didn’t know existed, learn to communicate in a direct and meaningful way, and expand upon our ideas of what intimacy means.

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As a Vehicle for Pleasure or Pain

Bondage can be the main event, or it can be a simple addition to regular sex that facilitates more pleasure or more pain. It can be used to put your partner in a position of discomfort, but it doesn’t have to. Plus, for bottoms who tend to wriggle around a lot whilst receiving, a carefully placed tie can have them secured in one position, making it all the easier to pleasure them.

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Consent and Safety

Before you practice bondage, it’s important to have an open conversation about your expectations with your partner(s). Communication is key! I’m a big advocate for clearly communicating your desires and limits in any kind of sexual intimacy, but when power play is involved, it’s important. The ideal pre-play conversation includes:

1. Setting a safe word that ends play immediately. I’m also a fan of the traffic light system, where green means “yes, please do more of that”, amber means “I’m reaching my limit, don’t go any further”, and red means “stop everything immediately”.
2. For bondage specifically, it can be useful to understand your partner’s body and any limitations in mobility, particularly for folks who are disabled or have mobility restrictions. It’s better to know that your partner doesn’t like to be on their knees for a long time or that their arms can’t be raised above their head before you start playing, whilst also continuously communicating throughout if something becomes uncomfortable in a bad way. It’s great to know whether your partner wants comfy bondage that just stops them from moving a little or intense bondage that could restrict breathing (such as tying around the chest) or see them in an uncomfortable position for a long time. For bondage specifically, it can be useful to understand your partner’s body and any limitations in mobility, particularly for folks who are disabled or have mobility restrictions.
3. Whether they want to explore pleasure or pain whilst in bondage—maybe they want to be tied up and spanked, or perhaps tied and teased—get on the same page before play.

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A Few More Safety Considerations

1. Have safety shears/scissors on hand if you play with rope or tie any knots.
2. Play within your skill level—if you’ve never attended a rope bondage class you may be better off sticking to bondage equipment like spreader bars and hogties, I’ll discuss those tools in a moment.
3. If you play with dungeon furniture, ensure that any standing position you put someone in is easy to get them out of if they faint.
4. Don’t mix bondage and alcohol.

Exciting Ways to Do Bondage Sex

So with that in mind, let’s move on to different types of play you can do with bondage.

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Tied to the Bed

The simplest way to play with bondage is to grab some under-bed restraints and spread eagle your partner across the bed. If you don’t have under-bed restraints, grab some rope or silk ties and secure each of your partner’s limbs to each corner of the bed or their arms to the headboard. Be sure not to tie the restraints too tight around the wrists, as you don’t want to restrict blood flow or nerve function. Generally, it’s good practice to use a tie that doesn’t tighten when pressure is put on it and leaves enough room to slip a finger under the material. There are plenty of tutorials online that show how to tie a secure and comfortable wrist tie. In this position, you can perform all kinds of sensual or sadistic acts on your partner. To get even better access to their genitals, you can place a cushion under their hips for better positioning.

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TIP: If you’re nervous and need extra time to figure out your next move, place a blindfold over your partner’s eyes. This will build anticipation and have them writhing in anticipation, but it’ll also take the pressure off you, giving you time to consider what you’re going to do next.

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Body Bondage

Don’t have any tying equipment to hand? Use your body! Body bondage is also ideal for people who enjoy a power struggle or primal play. Check out sex educator Lola Jean for inspiration—she teaches about erotic wrestling and ways to use your body as a tool for domination.

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Clothing Bondage

There’s a lot you can do with a pair of tights or a silk scarf! Use your imagination for this one.

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Hog Tie

A simple hog tie holds a lot of potential! This is the act of fastening someone’s limbs together to immobilize them. This can be achieved with rope or by using a hog-tie restraint that features four cuffs (available in all kinky sex shops). This tie is usually performed face down and can feel incredibly vulnerable for the bottom.

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Spreader Bar

This is a great tool for anyone who likes their bondage quick and dirty. A spreader bar is an extendable bar that has an ankle cuff at each end. Its purpose is to keep the wearer’s legs apart, both to create a sense of exposure and to restrain their movement.

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Things to Do in Bondage

Okay, your partner is in bondage, what now? Here are some ideas you can discuss in your pre-scene negotiation.

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1. Enjoy the process of tying or restraining your partner. Experiment with different speeds and intensities—you can take your time, sync with their breath, and very intentionally manipulate their body into the position you want.
2. Put your partner into an uncomfortable position and watch them squirm.
3. Use sensory deprivation to build anticipation—play with noise-canceling headphones, blindfolds, and gags.
4. Orgasm control—Play with edging, use your hands, mouth, a vibrator, or masturbation sleeve, and take them to the edge over and over again. The delayed orgasm will be chef's kiss.
5. Or over-stimulation—if they’re into it, make them orgasm over and over again until they’re a quivering mess.
6. Good old-fashioned fingering/oral/penetrative sex—just because they’re tied up, it doesn’t mean it needs to get any kinkier.
7. Sensual touching and teasing—using your fingertips, a feather, or massage oil.
8. Impact play—spanking, flogging, caning—whatever you’re into.
9. Painful sensory tools—scratching, biting, pinwheels, clamps.
10. Use your voice—tell them what you’re going to do to them or get them to beg for what they want.
11. Play with exposure—experiment with them being completely naked, completely clothed, pulling underwear to the side. Sometimes being partially clothed can feel more exposing than nudity. Just make sure that the body parts you want to access can be accessed once they’re tied up.

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Most importantly, remember to have fun. Bondage is a useful tool in your sexual repertoire, and with a creative approach and open communication, there’s so much that you can do. Happy playing!