Edging Tutorial with Esluna & Marvin

So, How to Edge?

Curious about how to edge? The short answer is that practicing edging is a way to amplify orgasms by repeatedly delaying gratification. In practice, edging requires developing attunement to your partner’s pleasure and manipulating tension and desire. Understanding how your partners’ bodies react to touch, you bring them close to reach orgasm, then pull them back again. Edging can be a great way to develop a deeper sexual dynamic with your partners. It allows sex to feel slow and intentional rather than rushed. And since edging relies so much on playing with anticipation, it can help established couples break free from the confinements of their regular sex scripts.

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Benefits of Edging

Like all sex practices, some people will be obsessed with practicing edging, and others will get in their heads and be too frustrated to enjoy it. But here are some of the top reasons people love edging:

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Prolonged Sex

It’s hard to say precisely how long sex lasts; a popular 2008 survey estimates that people usually have sex for 7 to 13 minutes. While a different NCBI study from 2005 reported that the median sex lasted 5.4 minutes. Regardless of the exact time, many people rush through the act of sex, intending to reach orgasm as quickly as possible. Edging can help you take your time and prolong the duration of sex, turning it into a pleasure-centered experience rather than goal-focused. Edging in sex can also be great for people who feel frustrated that they ejaculate quickly, training their bodies to be more leisurely. Resisting orgasms gives you more time to explore other techniques and desires that you may otherwise ignore.

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Shift Away From Penetration

The standard straight-sex script focuses heavily on penetration, even if it’s estimated that only about 30% of women can cum this way. This discrepancy results in the orgasm gap, where straight men report coming 95% of the time compared to 65% for their female partners. Gay couples comparatively reach orgasm 89% of the time, and lesbians 86% of the time. This is often attributed to the more reciprocal nature of queer sex. Another major problem is that in the standard straight-sex script, sex ends as soon as the male partner has reached orgasm. Since men report orgasming quicker than their female partners, sex often doesn’t last long enough for her to get off, too. Practicing edging can help combat these issues by disrupting the standard straight-sex script, not only lengthening sex but also heightening arousal and introducing clitoral stimulation. 

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Deeper Attunement

Edging is about timing; you must respond according to your partner’s reaction. This requires you to pay a lot of attention to how they receive stimulation. You need to know what will get them to the edge, but not over. You also need to understand how to build intensity gradually. When we default to a standard sex script, it’s easy to tune out our partner’s response, only focusing on ourselves or the routine, but edging forces us to turn all of our attention onto them, making sure that we pick up on their subtle non-verbal cues so we don’t miss the moment to pull back or accelerate. Over time, practicing edging makes us better attuned to our partner’s desires and our own.

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Amplified Orgasms

While edging shouldn’t be solely goal-oriented, eventually, you will get a release. If you’ve timed things well, your orgasm will be a lot stronger than if you had given in immediately. Edging is all about increasing the sensation each time you get close. Delaying gratification builds intensity, and finally, getting to let go is a tremendous body-shaking relief. In the beginning, you might struggle to touch the edge without going over, but with more practice, you’ll get better at accelerating and pulling back, getting to experience the heart-racing moments right before reaching orgasm multiple times in a row.

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Letting Go

Being on the receiving end of edging means that you have to surrender control. You need to trust your partner to deny you release and bring you back to that point again. Practicing edging can present a bit of a mental challenge for some people, especially those who struggle to be fully embodied during sex. If you get stuck in your head a lot, edging can teach you to be more present in the sensations that you’re experiencing and to let go of the pressure to cum quickly. Especially for women, who tend to have hangups about how fast and strongly they cum, edging can provide a safe place to reclaim their orgasm and allow themselves to develop a deeper understanding of what brings them close and what doesn’t. Remember that edging is about taking your time and letting feelings build up; it’s not a race to the finish line. Take some deep breaths throughout and let yourself follow the ebb and flow, getting close and pulling back.

Consent (Yummy Frustration, Not Angry Frustration)

The worst thing you can do is try practicing edging on someone unaware of your motives. Edging dances on the line of frustration, but it can quickly turn into annoyance if your partner hasn’t consented and doesn’t understand what you’re doing. You want the frustration to turn into yearning rather than irritation or anger. Doing so requires communication and mutual understanding of intent. If you’re trying edging for the first time, you might need more explicit check-ins of the “Are you close” variety to time the pull-back correctly. But the more you practice, the more you’ll be able to rely on non-verbal cues from your partner, making direct communication less necessary. Of course, it’s best to check in explicitly if you’re ever unsure about something.

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Practicing Edging

Edging seems straightforward, but “pulling back” isn’t just about stopping altogether; it’s about building anticipation. If you go from intense stimulation to nothing, right back to intense stimulation, you create a weird start-stop rhythm rather than amplifying the sensation. Building their orgasm correctly depends a lot on individual preference for stimulation, but the gradual climb is the same. Think of it this way: you start by bringing your partner up to a 5/10 arousal, then bring them back down to a 3 by redirecting sensation to a different area, then up to a 7, back down to a 5, up to a 9, back down to a 7, finally up to the orgasmic 10! Edging isn’t the same as orgasm denial; you’re trying to increase intensity gradually. 

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“Seduce—Don’t Force”

BDSM educator Midori instructs Dommes that being in control means mastering seduction, not coercion. Edging is delicious when we frame it as teasing at the height of arousal. During normal sex, flirting and foreplay only happen at the beginning, but with edging, it’s ongoing. As you pull back, you must keep your partners engaged and wanting more. You’re toast if you pull back and your partner loses interest. You want your partner to remain titillated and intrigued about what will happen next. Of course, you can’t force your partner to do anything, and occasionally, the vibe gets thrown off; maybe your partner gets in their head or can’t ramp back up. If this happens, I recommend taking a break and resetting. Losing momentum isn’t uncommon but can be a bit discouraging, so returning to it after a pee-water break can help you overcome any disappointment. Remember that practicing edging, like any nonconventional sex practice,  can bring up internal resistance since it goes against ingrained norms. 

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Anticipation & Tension

Edging is distinctively different from the standard sex script in that you’re capitalizing on the tension of desire. Desire is an ambiguous state where you want something, but inherent is the contradiction that you cease wanting once you’ve obtained it—edging is a dance between craving and giving and taking away to return to craving. One of the most common mistakes beginners make is to rush, get their partner close to reach orgasm using their normal sex routine, stop, and then not know what else to do. This bypasses the power of anticipation. You don’t want your partner to know exactly what you will do. Don’t go all out at the beginning; you’re playing the long game, and you need to give yourself time to increase the pace. Part of successfully practicing edging is balancing giving your partner what they expect while being unpredictable. For example, if you usually kiss your partner’s inner thighs before going down on them, you can play with tension by starting with the normal kisses and then changing up what they expect (biting their thigh or fucking them with your fingers instead). 

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Things to Try

Edging is primarily a mental game; you’re playing with tension and time to repeatedly get close to reach orgasm. There isn’t one specific technique to edge, but here are some practices that you can experiment with:  

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Dirty Talk

A key component to edging, especially early on, is ascertaining how close your partner is to orgasming. Dirty talk can be a hot way to keep each other informed of how close you are. You can build specific instructions into edging, like asking the receiver to tell you when they’re about to come or having them beg for more. Or conversely, the giver can ask questions. Dirty talk can also enhance the experience; many people find it builds anticipation. And dirty talk can set the stage for edging before you get into the bedroom. An excellent place to start is by sending each other dirty messages, nudes, and erotic voice memos to create a sense of anticipation. It’s easier to get into practicing edging if you’re already extremely horny.

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Brat Play

Brat play is a type of power play in which one person gets off by purposefully disobeying while the other attempts to control (tame) them through punishment, attention, or play. This dynamic can be both psychological and physical, with partners playing mind games, restraining and escaping, or disciplining. Orgasm denial is often incorporated into brat dynamics, with the tamer trying to prevent the brat from coming until they have obeyed; along the same lines, you can try edging with brats. Again, the difference is that you’re building up sensation as you take it away rather than using orgasm denial as purely a control mechanism. Because edging can be inherently frustrating, tamers can discipline brats by getting them close to coming and then taking sensation away only to give it back more intensely. You can experiment with alternating between sensations to increase arousal and pain to pull back. Toggling between good/bad - reward/punishment can create a fun game for both.

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Toys and Accessories

Admittedly, edging can get physically tiring, depending on what kind of stimulation your partner wants and how long. Vibrators and other toys can give consistent and escalating stimulation that won’t take your partner out of the moment because your fingers or tongue are starting to cramp. Other toys and accessories can be used to pull back and to vary sensations. For example, feather teasers can create a tickling feeling that redirects attention away from your genitals right before climax. Ice or wax can provide a quick shock if your partner gets too close to finishing. Paddles, whips, and Wartenberg pinwheels can mix pain-play into your practice of edging. Spreader bars or restraints can immobilize your partner, making them unable to resist what you’re doing. Blindfolds are helpful for partners who struggle to get out of their heads or are too susceptible to anticipation. Lastly, clothing, lingerie, or any other garments that add layers between your touch and your partner’s skin are an excellent way to start. This will prolong your experience by dampening the sensation initially, allowing for a greater climb. Plus, it’s hot to get to strip your partner as you go.   

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Masturbation

Edging is a common solo practice. If your masturbation routine is getting stale and too predictable, you can try getting yourself close to coming many times. This can also give you a good sense of what sensations bring you to the edge and what pulls you back. One of the tricky parts about partnered edging is that it takes a bit of time for your partner to get used to your rhythm and pace. The more you know what works and what doesn’t for you, the easier it will be to devise a delicious edging practice with someone else. Self-touch is often a necessary part of practicing edging. Since you know how to adjust your touch to get yourself closer, it often makes sense for your partner to give you directions to get yourself close and then for them to interrupt you right as you’re about to come.