How to Have a Threesome With Your Partner
How to have a threesome without the jealousy, awkwardness, or regret? It’s all about setting the right expectations—and maybe a little pre-game sexting.
Step-To-Step Guide to Your First Threesome (With a Partner)
Did you know threesomes are a top sexual fantasy? That’s right. And the same study that discovered the popularity of the threesome fantasy also found that only 8% of the heterosexual women who fantasize about it have actually done it—compared to 16% of non-heterosexual women, as well as 15% of both heterosexual and nonheterosexual men.
But between the process of discussing boundaries with your partner, finding the right unicorn to join you, and actually doing the damn thing…well, it can be tricky.
If you’ve been finding yourself ready for your first threesome, and don’t know where to start, then hop on in. In this guide, you’ll receive step-by-step tips on everything you need to know to have a successful threesome.
Step 1: Discuss Boundaries Before You Invite a Third into Your Bed
This is an important first step. Discussions with your partner about what a three-way could look like, what's okay and not okay for the boundaries of your relationship, as well as how you would feel about adding another person into your sex life ensures a happier, healthier setup for everyone.
Pro Tip: You can even bring the conversation up during foreplay: pretend there is another person with you already and practice how to talk dirty to your lover about what you want to do together—all three of you. If the idea of seeing your partner with someone else turns you on, try it from this angle. By introducing the topic from the lens of their pleasure, it may soften potential insecurities or potential relationship jealousy for them.
Watch Alice Lovegood and Her Husband Explore a Threesome
Peek Behind Closed Doors — Watch Real Amateurs
Step 2: How to Find a Threesome (Or the Right Person)
When considering how to have a threesome, decide on the method of finding a suitable third person. Here are some things to think about:
- Are you and your partner interested in meeting someone in person through your local kink community?
- Are you interested in setting up online dating profiles?
- Are you interested in trying to swing a threesome while on vacation, far away from your ‘normal lives’?
These are all important questions to ask yourselves so you can get on the same page before you even start to look for a third.
Watch a Real Life Couple Find a Third for a Threesome
Finding the Right Threesome Dating App
Sometimes, finding a partner, any kind of partner, comes down to the right marketing.
I’m not saying you’re some used car who needs to promote yourself using specific techniques or no one will want you. What I’m saying is that you’re incredibly unique, your relationship is unique, and you have to explain yourself properly to find what you’re looking for.
You deserve to find someone compatible with you, your partner, and your desires. To do this, you have to learn how to be clear (in a non-confrontational way) about what you are looking for.
How to Create a Dating Profile With Your Partner:
- Feature both of you in photos, both together and separately.
- Describe what an ideal romantic evening with a third person could look like, so they know what to expect.
- Clarify what you're looking for from this person – is it a long-term arrangement or just a one-night encounter?
- Avoid being too aggressive with messages. While excitement is natural, it's important to make the potential third feel comfortable. Using terms like "ethical non-monogamy" and "open relationship" can convey that both partners are consenting and enthusiastic about the potential threesome.
- Take things slow to ensure that the chemistry is right and that your desires align with theirs. Rushing can lead to mismatched expectations or discomfort.
Step 3: Actually Having a Threesome
You’ve thought about this hundreds of times, you’ve met your third, you’ve hit it off, and you’re all ready to take this to the next level. This part can be wildly exciting and incredibly anxiety-provoking at the same time.
The first thing you want to do is stay aligned on goals and desires, comfort levels, and expectations.
Whether you’re meeting at a hotel or their apartment, discuss things like how to keep everyone comfortable, who will interact with whom, what safe sex practices need to be adhered to, and, if there are elements of BDSM involved—you will want to set safe words in place before anything gets started.
Something fun to do to prepare for this is to start a three-way group chat in the days leading up to the event – sext each other! Get all the fun, sexy, intimate ideas out there and see how they are perceived through text. After a fun sexting session, ask if everyone would be comfortable if those events played out in real life.
Step 4: Threesome Aftercare
Indulging in threesome aftercare can be beneficial. Some people may gloss over it, but checking in with all involved, asking how they felt about the session, and discussing expectations moving forward can be a great way to “wrap up” your fun three-way. Who knows, maybe they will want to do it again sometime!
Other Threesome Tips
Be Aware of Couple Privilege
Understanding couple privilege is essential when learning how to have a threesome. So, what is couple privilege?
Couples' privilege is a term that is generally used to describe the privileges that couples have (for example, date-night dinners for two that are cheaper than eating alone, etc.). In open relationships and dating, however, this term is often used to describe the benefits and safety of dating as a couple instead of an individual.
When you and your mate are looking for a third to join you, you have to be aware that you inherently have the upper hand – it’s two people searching for a third person. It can be very easy for that third person to be intimidated or feel pressured since there are two of you.
The easiest way to avoid this is by acknowledging it and doing whatever you can to make your potential third feel comfortable and safe. This can include:
- Meeting in hotels instead of at your home
- Meeting at a low-key cafe instead of at a restaurant where they would feel like the third wheel on a romantic dinner date
It can also include things like:
- Making them feel safe during sexual encounters by going over what everyone involved in the intimacy wants to do
- Making sure they are comfortable and enthusiastic about everything.
The Bottom Line
Making sure everyone feels comfortable, safe, respected, and wanted should be your number one priority when it comes to having a threesome. While adding an extra pair of hands can bring an overwhelmingly exciting amount of pleasure, there's also a person behind those hands that needs to be considered. And remember, you're here to have fun. So relax and let those limbs tangle!
