How to Set Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

Want to find out how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship? We know where you’re coming from. Boundaries can be the difference between constant friction and a happy, stable relationship – but for some reason, many of us struggle to establish firm rules in our relationships. It might be that you’re scared of conflict, or just don’t know what boundaries you can reasonably suggest to a significant other.

Learning how to navigate these conversations takes practice, and sometimes seeing how other couples approach them can help. In House of Lustery Season 3 Episode 1, real couples explore interpersonal communication with the support of Shadeen Francis, a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, offering an honest look at how partners share their needs, expectations, and differences.

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We’ve also consulted sexologist Jessie Gretener to create your definitive guide on boundaries (be sure to save this article for later; you’ll thank us). So, keep reading for everything you need to know about communicating your needs and building healthier relationships.

What Is a Boundary?

Let’s start at the beginning. We’ve all heard of boundaries, but what, exactly, are they? And how do we define them?

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Well, according to sexologist Jessie Gretener, boundaries are a way of establishing an understanding of how you want to be treated and regarded, especially in a relationship. “Boundaries are simply communicating how we want to be treated. In a relationship – whether with a romantic partner, friend, or family member – boundaries are the limits we set to help us feel safe and respected,” Gretener explains.

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While boundaries are often discussed in terms of introducing limits or rules, they are far from restricting. In fact, the emotional safety they encourage helps to create deeper and more expansive bonds in a relationship. 

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“Boundaries are an important part of regulating our emotional wellbeing and can help create a stronger sense of trust and intimacy,” she adds.

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For example, couples that are in ethically non-monogamous relationship types, like the House of Lustery Season 3 cast, may find that setting boundaries is extra important in exploring sex outside the relationship while mitigating sexual jealousy that may arise.

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“Boundaries are simply communicating how we want to be treated. In a relationship – whether with a romantic partner, friend, or family member – boundaries are the limits we set to help us feel safe and respected,” sexologist Jessie Gretener explains.

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Types of Boundaries

It’s worth keeping in mind that not all boundaries are created equal. When you set boundaries, you might encounter that some work well for you, whereas others don’t. That might all depend on the type of boundary you’re enforcing.

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A 2011 study published in The Family Journal argues that there are three boundary types:

• Diffused boundaries
• Rigid boundaries
• Healthy boundaries

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Let’s start at the top: diffused boundaries are when a boundary is loose and unclear. Those who tend to implement diffused boundaries are prone to oversharing, people-pleasing, and being too trusting of others.

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Rigid boundaries are the opposite of diffused boundaries. These rigid rules are a means of self-protection and of avoiding vulnerability – they might cause individuals to become isolated or alienated from others.

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Finally, we have healthy boundaries. This is really the gold standard of boundaries and involves not being afraid to say “no” (when appropriate) and being able to assert yourself while being respectful.

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How to Set Boundaries​

Okay, so now we’ve hopefully won you over to the benefits of setting boundaries; this is how you can actually use them IRL.

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In order to have a boundary in place, you need to know that you need one in the first place. This is where it’s important to do some soul-searching and lead with respect. 

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Generally, we establish boundaries through conversation: we pick a quiet and calm moment, in a private space, to gently talk about what we would want less (or more) of in our relationship.

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If appropriate, you might want to also establish a boundary over text or over the phone: just make sure you choose an appropriate moment and give the other person the opportunity to ask questions or follow up in person.

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A Sexologist’s Tips for Better Communication

Remember: when communicating, it is key to be clear and concise, but also to ensure you communicate respectfully to your partner.

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Here are some Dos and Don’ts examples, according to Gretener:

• Don’t attack, do contextualise: “Rather than saying, ‘I hate it when you call me a slut while we’re having sex,’ you could say, ‘I want to feel worshipped when we’re having sex, so I don’t like words like ‘slut’.’”
• Don’t make it a them problem; do take accountability for your needs: Instead of saying, ‘I don’t like it when you stay at mine the whole weekend,’ you could say, ‘I really need some solo time to recharge, so could we have a few hours apart during the weekend?’”

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Want to learn more? Here is Gretener’s top advice to remember when setting boundaries.

• Soul-search first: “To ask for what you want, you need to know what you need. Setting boundaries starts by checking in with yourself, identifying your needs, and then communicating those needs clearly to your partner.”
• Use "I" statements: “When having a boundary conversation, try to lead with your needs rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong.”
• Acknowledge that everyone’s boundaries are different: “Everyone’s boundaries look different and may change over time. In a romantic relationship, boundaries can relate to things like sex, intimacy, personal space, privacy, communication, and conflict.

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A List of Relationship Boundary Examples

When it comes to relationships, there’s no one ‘right’ boundary. In fact, many people have different approaches to boundaries – just as they might have different approaches to relationships in general.

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Gretener, however, is keen to underscore some key themes: “Everyone’s boundaries look different and may change over time. In a romantic relationship, boundaries can relate to things like sex, intimacy, personal space, privacy, communication, and conflict.” 

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It’s worth noting that the thinking or feelings behind boundaries play an important role; communicating that can help smooth over any initial ill will. Equally, if you are on the receiving end of a boundary you don’t understand, it can help to ask for clarification.

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“A boundary could be that someone needs solo time on the weekend,” Gretener explains. “This doesn’t mean the person doesn’t want to spend time with their partner; but rather, recognises that they need some time alone to recharge after a busy week. Having that space may help them to feel more present and connected with their partner when they are together.”

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Now that you’re fully briefed, here are some examples of sexual boundaries to get the inspiration flowing for your next relationship chat:

• Digital privacy: that no partner goes through your phone, knows your passwords, or has access to your banking app.
• Time boundaries: an expectation that your partner shows up on time to meet you, or a clear communication that you can’t spend time with your partner during work time.
• Property boundaries: urging your partner to ask before they touch your possessions.
• Financial boundaries: making your budget clear to your partner, communicating what you can and can’t afford.
• Sexual boundaries: an agreement on the acts and activities you’re not interested in exploring, communication around what physical contact is or isn’t acceptable with others outside of the relationship.

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Gretener, however, is keen to underscore some key themes: “Everyone’s boundaries look different and may change over time. In a romantic relationship, boundaries can relate to things like sex, intimacy, personal space, privacy, communication, and conflict.” 

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Boundaries in Relationships

It’s worth noting that boundaries aren’t restricted to romantic relationships; they are also helpful in sexual relationships, work dynamics, family situations, and friendship groups.

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What makes boundaries in relationships unique is how boundaries help us express our needs and allow us to hold a partner accountable to them.

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Before setting a relationship boundary, it’s worth observing your partner’s behaviour and their own boundary style: this will help you understand best how to approach any boundary discussions in the future.

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Tips for enforcing boundaries

Ultimately, when we talk about boundaries, it can feel like we are talking about control. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. 

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“A boundary isn’t a rule to enforce, but rather a means of respect,” Gretener explains. “That respect starts with you. If we don’t respect our own boundaries, it can become difficult for our partner(s) to understand where our limits are.”

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Once you get to a point of respecting yourself, holding firm to your boundaries becomes easier. “Once you’ve communicated a boundary, it’s important to follow through with your actions,” Gretener adds. 

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“Respecting a boundary isn’t about controlling what another person does. It’s about deciding what you are comfortable with and what you will do if that boundary isn’t respected.”

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“A boundary isn’t a rule to enforce, but rather a means of respect,” Gretener explains. “That respect starts with you. If we don’t respect our own boundaries, it can become difficult for our partner(s) to understand where our limits are.”

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Benefits of Setting Boundaries

When we set boundaries, we might feel selfish or like we’re admitting that there are certain things that we can’t handle. While such feelings are hard to ignore, it’s important to look at the overall benefits of boundaries. For example, experts highlight that setting boundaries (and sticking to them!) is an important tool for preserving our mental health, managing stress, communicating well with others, and promoting self-esteem.

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On the other hand, if we avoid setting boundaries – even when we really want to – it can have a negative impact. For example, we might feel overwhelmed, encounter strain in relationships, and become tempted to people-please others.

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When we set boundaries, we are able to show up authentically and as our best selves.

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The Bottom Line on Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

At the end of the day, boundaries are about so much more than rules. They’re a way of communicating needs and expectations to yourself and others, while also encouraging others to treat you in the conscientious way you deserve. 

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The first step in setting a boundary begins with you: have a think about what is bothering you in the relationship and what can change. From there, once you understand your needs, you can move towards articulating them. In order for a boundary to be healthy, it shouldn’t be too firm or too soft: make sure you stand by your boundary, but are still open to dialogue.

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So, there you have it: what boundaries do you think your relationship needs?

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Can You Set Healthy Boundaries? Take the Relationship Test

So now that you know what a boundary is, do you feel confident to set boundaries with a partner IRL? This simple relationship test is to help you figure out how comfortable you might be with identifying your needs and communicating your limits. Don’t worry, there’s no right or wrong answer here. This relationship test was made to support you in figuring out what your strengths are when it comes to setting boundaries in a relationship and where you might want to practice.

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